“England lost to Italy because they’re better than us”

Beautiful women, Elysian landscapes and a cuisine so fine we could offer the menu card of a good trattoria as a message to alien civilisations in space, about what it is to be human. The worn cliches about Italy are facts, and I had a good time finding out that. So if England were to lose to any country in the final of Euro2020, I’m glad it was Italy.

Some Italians I have spoken with are down about their country. It’s the economy, they say. ‘There is nothing in Italy,’ one dejectedly told me at the lunch table, while I was wolfing down a sumptuous home-cooked meal prepared by our dear mutual Sicilian friend. Well, I don’t give a shit about the economy. ‘Have you seen the absolute state of England?’ I should have replied, but didn’t.

“The best things in life are free,” and it’s true. Italy has in spades so much of what makes life good, it’s almost an embarrassment of riches. They even have a decent anthem.

Italy’s, The Song of the Italians is lively and boisterous, with a melody which gets the blood pumping as you sing along. You saw its physical effect upon the Italian players singing it before kick-off at Wembley; they were buzzing. Even I, an England fan, was humming it the morning after our defeat, with no bitterness towards the conquerors.

In sorry contrast is our ‘God Save the Queen.’ I do feel bitter when it pipes up. I no longer sing along with any fervour, since it dawned upon me the lyrics are absurd; an appeal to a non-existent being to protect a monarch who is already one of the most mollycoddled human beings to ever live. And that tune. Jeez, what a droning bore.

And then there’s the content and message of the lyrics. Our English anthem is the literal sound of boot-licking. Whenever we sing it, we’re saying we enjoy the monarch’s shoe being upon our neck, or the necks of foreign unfortunates in the way of the Crown’s never-ending orgy of exploitation. More boot, please! we all sing.

So yeah, congratulations to Italy, on winning Euro2020. I’m going to console myself with my go-to comfort food of choice: an XL Italian base ‘Extravaganza’ pizza by Domino’s. Mwah.

Beautiful women, Elysian landscapes and a cuisine so fine an example of what it means to be human, that we could offer the menu card of a good trattoria as a message to alien civilisations in space. If England were to lose to any country in the final of Euro2020, I’m glad it was Italy.

Some Italians I have spoken with are down about their country. It’s the economy, they say. ‘There is nothing in Italy,’ one dejectedly told me at the lunch table, while I was wolfing down a sumptuous home-cooked meal prepared by our dear mutual Sicilian friend. Well, I don’t give a shit about the economy. ‘Have you seen the absolute state of England?’ I should have replied, but didn’t.

“The best things in life are free,” and it’s true. Italy has in spades so much of what makes life good, it’s almost an embarrassment of riches.

The young country with an ancient soul also has one of the best – if not the best – national anthems yet composed. This is another sign Italy is connected to something deep in the beating human heart. You saw the anthem’s physical effect upon the Italian players singing it before kick-off; they were buzzing. Even I, an England fan, was humming it the morning after our defeat at Wembley, with no bitterness towards the conquerors.

So yeah, congratulations to Italy, on winning Euro2020. I’m going to console myself with my go-to comfort food of choice: an XL Italian base ‘Extravaganza’ pizza by Domino’s. Mwah.